


Quick is the Beat of My Heart

by orphan_account



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Abusive Relationship, Alternate Universe- No Magic, Attempted Murder, Baby Harry, Blood, Established Relationship, F/M, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Genderfluid Sirius, Healing, Homophobia, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Multi, Non-Graphic Descriptions of Violence, Polyamory, Snape hate, Snape is not a good guy, abuse recovery, fat phobia, pregnancy loss, pronoun changes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-01
Updated: 2016-07-01
Packaged: 2018-07-19 09:18:49
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 17,918
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7355116
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>James Potter and Sirius Black have always been in love--for as long as they can remember.  They're happy and comfortable.  When their new neighbour Lily Evans, and her boyfriend move in, they establish a friendship.  But both begin to suspect something darker about Snape, and when the worst comes to pass, they're quick to step in and help Lily recover.  Then things start to change, and feelings are revealed, and James and Sirius discover something they didn't realise they were both missing.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Quick is the Beat of My Heart

**Author's Note:**

> Please heed the warnings about this fic. It deals with a very abusive situation. The details aren't overly graphic, but the implications might be enough to trigger some people. So be careful when navigating this fic, and if I've missed any tags or warnings, please let me know. In this fic, Sirius is genderfluid and changes pronouns throughout the fic, so please be aware of that as the story progresses.
> 
> This fic is written for a long-time fandom friend/tumblr friend who asked to remain anonymous. However the events are based on some real-life experiences but with the request, "That the three of them get the happy ending I didn't."
> 
> So darling, I hope this is what you wanted, and I hope I did the whole thing justice. I love you loads and loads. xx

Both hands splayed along the wall, Sirius grunted and thrust his hips back as James took him. He felt a bead of sweat falling down his nose, and he rubbed it against the wall as he bit his lip. James’ hands on his hips were firm, kneading the flesh there as he thrust over Sirius’ prostate again…then again and again. Sirius let out a muffled cry and snapped his hips back as James’ hand slowly snaked round to his front, grabbing him, stroking him just the way he preferred it.

“Fuck. Jesus. I’m…oh god I’m…” Sirius babbled and pushed himself into James’ hand as he came in a hot spurt over his lover’s knuckles. James didn’t last long after, his thrusts uneven and shaky. He breathed against the side of Sirius’ neck as he pulsed inside of Sirius, the pair of them leaning heavily against the wall as the cool air from the fan drifted down over them.

“Love you,” James muttered after a minute, dragging his lips against the sweaty column of Sirius’ throat. He was always the sweeter one after sex, and Sirius loved it. He whimpered as James slid out of him, but neither felt compelled to move from their perch a few inches away from the bedroom window.

Luckily the angle kept most people from peering in, which was good as James tended to be a bit spontaneous, and Sirius loved nothing more than getting fucked into the wall on those days. He pressed his cheek down, and peered through the slats in the blinds, letting out a curious hum. “Oh. I think we’re getting neighbours.”

“Hmm?” James lifted his head away from where he was mouthing at Sirius’ neck to peer alongside him, and they watched as several people were carrying boxes into the once-empty house. It had been sitting for let a while, longer than James or Sirius expected it to, as it was a nice place with affordable rent.

Sirius wondered if possibly the other neighbours told rumours about them, as Godric’s Hollow was rather a quaint, old sort of neighbourhood. When Sirius and James moved in—James Tamil on his dad’s side, Chinese on his mum’s, and Sirius Arab— and Sirius a girl on some days and a boy on others, and James rather on the flamboyant and exuberant side of bisexual, well a lot of their old, very white, very conservative neighbours didn’t entirely love them. No matter how nice and accommodating, and quiet, they were.

Pulling away from the wall, Sirius swiped his wrist against his forehead and groped for their dressing gowns. They shrugged them on together, then James wrapped his arm round Sirius’ waist as they peered out the window.

There were several people in matching t-shirts, which they assumed were the movers. Then there was a man, weedy with dark hair and a hooked nose, wearing a long-sleeved black shirt and matching trousers. “He looks grim,” Sirius commented.

“Like you during your super goth days,” James said with a snort.

“Oy,” Sirius replied, lifting his nose and sniffing. “I pulled it off. I was incredibly Robert Smith.”

James laughed, nosing along the back of Sirius’ neck. “Minus the hair. You were too vain to let it get to wild.”

“You were wild enough for me,” Sirius murmured. They turned back to the window and saw a woman pull up in a small, green car. She was shorter than the black-haired man, with red curly hair tied up at the back of her head. She was curvy, with very dark freckles covering most of her exposed skin, wearing jeans and a t-shirt, looking rather harrowed which Sirius assumed was from the stress of the move. She was quite pretty, and he hummed as they watched her speak to one of the movers.

“Think they’ll be alright?” James asked.

Sirius shrugged one shoulder, turning his face to give James a proper kiss. “Hmm. We’ll find out. At least they look around our age.”

“We should bring them a sweet. I think I have some fried mantou we can take. Even the shitty neighbours rather liked mum’s recipe.”

Sirius snorted. “True. They’ll put up with our lifestyle so long as we give them a no-homo as we pass over the goods.” Sirius turned properly, then took James by his cheeks and kissed him long and slow. Their tongues tangled for a while, then James pulled back and let out a small sigh. 

“I’m for a shower. Join me?”

Sirius grinned and let James pull him by the wrists. “Absolutely.”

*** 

It was just before tea when they decided to venture over. The movers had been gone for several hours, which they reckoned was enough time for the new couple to get settled. James worried over whether or not they ought to bring something more substantial, but the pair hadn’t done any cooking in a while and it would take hours to get a good curry going.

“They’ve probably had take-away, Prongs,” Sirius said, tugging James who was holding the container of the sweet. “Remember how much take-away we had the week we moved in. Then the next week mum and dad came over with enough food to last a month. I’m sure they’re well fed.”

James, ever the mother-hen about things, huffed and sighed, but let Sirius pull him to the door. They were dressed properly now, after their shower. James was in jeans and his favourite footie tee, and Sirius wearing leggings and a too-long jumper—also refusing shoes—and they felt refreshed and amiable to meet new people.

“Alright,” Sirius said, lifting her hand up to knock, “so should we just out with the whole thing. Who we are, all the rubbish. Or just leave the sweets and run?”

James hummed. “Read the room, you think? I’m so bad at that though…” He fussed, dragging his hand through his hair until Sirius batted it away.

“Leave it to me.” She turned and pushed the buzzer, tapping her polished toes gently on the pavement. Several moments went by, then Sirius saw a movement at the window, and the door opened just a crack. The redhead’s face poked into the space, and she lifted a brow.

“Yes?”

“Hi,” Sirius said, smiling as soft as she could manage, “we’re your neighbours. Just there.” She thumbed back over her shoulder at theirs. “I’m Sirius, and this is James. We erm…wanted to bring by a little house-warming gift. Some sweets.”

At that, James waggled the container with a wide, goofy grin.

The woman hesitated, then laughed and opened the door properly. She looked like she’d showered by this point, in clean joggers and a tank-top. Her hair was slightly damp, curls sitting just below her shoulders in a very tight curl. Her smile was wide, friendly, and she leant on the door handle. “I’m Lily Evans. It’s nice to meet you.”

Sirius grabbed the sweets, then handed them off. “We won’t keep you if you’re busy…”

Lily waved her hand. “Nah, I’m at least British enough to offer a cuppa. If you’d like?”

James nudged Sirius excitedly who rolled her eyes, then nodded. “We’d love to. Please excuse my boyfriend, he’s like a drunk deer when he meets new people. Gets over excited.”

“Oy!” James protested, and Sirius laughed.

Lily chuckled as she stepped aside, letting the couple in. The place was still mostly unfurnished, every room with half-unpacked boxes. Lily led the way into the kitchen where there was a small, scrubbed wooden table with three mismatched chairs, and a box of half-unpacked mugs. She had an electric kettle sat on the counter, and several boxes of tea.

“I don’t think I have any biscuits or anything but…these might do?” Lily asked, holding up the sweet.

“Perfect with some Yorkshire if you have it,” Sirius replied. She pulled out a chair for James with her foot, then sat down as he did. “Thanks for having us. Are you…do you live alone?”

“Oh,” she said, flushing a little, making her freckles go very dark. “No. No my boyfriend got called into the office. He works at King’s, and there was some incident with some students in the lab. He teaches chemistry.”

Sirius pulled a face. “My worst subject.”

“It’s true,” James said, looking at her fondly and reaching out to brush a stray bit of her fringe from her forehead. “Give her art or literature and she was a bloody genius. All of the sciences though…”

“And then I ended up in advertising,” Sirius said, then looked at Lily who was watching the pair of them with a slightly amused, if not curious and possibly confused expression. “My pronouns change,” Sirius explained after a moment, assuming her silence was about that.

“Alright if I just ask then?” Lily turned to grab three mugs, plonking the bags into them. “Also I’ve only got plastic forks and no plates yet. We’re so barbaric right now.”

James waved his hand. “Mum says they’re meant to be enjoyed however you like. I don’t think you can eat them the wrong way.” James demonstrated by picking one up and popping it into his mouth with a grin.

Lily smiled as she brought over the tea, then lowered herself into a chair. “So, Sirius you work in advertising.”

Sirius hummed. “Not the best job. My baby brother inherited the company—Black Ent—after I was deemed too much of a disappointment. Of course it was nothing he was interested in doing, and after our parents died I took over and he fucked off with his boyfriend to teach art in Rabat.”

Lily’s eyes widened. “Rabat?”

“We were born there,” Sirius explained. “He liked it better than I do. I like the soggy English countryside for some reason.”

James snorted. “It’s because of me.”

Sirius rolled her eyes. “He thinks everything’s about him. But it’s mostly true. He’s decent motivation to love this place. Even when it doesn’t love us.”

Lily hummed, glancing out the window, then she leant in and lowered her voice. “The neighbours are a bit…you know. Aren’t they? Sev got really upset earlier when this couple was walking their dog and stopped to chat. The old lady pat me on the arm and then said, ‘So dear…what are you?’ I sort of stood there and he got really snippy with her until she left.”

James rolled his eyes. “They weren’t entirely welcoming when we first arrived. Labelled us as ‘those types’ the moment they saw us. Then Sirius was walking round in her dress and you’d think we’d have staged our own two-person pride parade.”

“Which wouldn’t be a bad idea, I still think,” Sirius put in.

James snorted. “Yeah I can just see it. You in lace shorts and nipple pasties with your rainbow flag and…I dunno…fire baton.”

“Haven’t got one of those,” Sirius said thoughtfully, tapping her chin. “Where d’you reckon they sell that?”

“Absolutely not,” James said, then turned back to Lily. “Sorry you didn’t get the best welcome.”

Lily waved her hand. “Got it loads growing up, it’s really no worries. Sev likes to take the piss, calls me ethnically ambiguous.”

James’ eyes narrowed a bit. “That’s…well…”

“He doesn’t mean harm by it,” Lily said in a rush. “It’s only just…my dad’s black, and American to boot, mum’s the sort of fiery redheaded Irish—which is where the freckles all came from. And the hair,” she tugged on a curl. “He saw me get a lot of questions growing up. We were neighbours back in Surrey, and it gets a bit old.”

“Tell me about it,” James said with a sigh. “And it doesn’t get easier round here. Only helpful parts is mostly they just want to keep to themselves to avoid having to make small talk. Means they only ask the once, then they pretend like so long as they walk on the other side of the street as you, you’re not bound to suddenly attack like a rabid dog or something.”

Lily wrinkled her nose as she sat back, stealing one of the sweets and taking a bite. Her eyes widened. “Oh. This is good.”

James laughed. “I told you. There’s loads more all the time if you ever want to pop by. Maybe bring Sev along.”

She hesitated. “Might do, yeah. Only, he’s busy a lot so I’m not sure when we’ll find the time but when we can…”

Sirius could tell she was rambling, and she held up a hand. “He won’t love the genderfluid thing, will he? Or the fact that James and I both have cocks and like to shag each other.”

Lily flushed. “It’s…he’s not bigoted. He just doesn’t…entirely understand?”

Sirius sighed internally, but decided it was best not to make a big deal about it. Lily seemed nice enough as it was, so they could take it as a win. “It’s fine,” she said. “Really. We’ll keep our space, but you’re welcome any time.”

“Any time,” James echoed. He glanced over at the clock and sighed. “We ought to head out though. But see you soon?” The pair pushed up from the table as Lily did, and James held out his arms. “Hugs?”

Lily lifted a brow to Sirius. “Business as usual?”

“Mm, fraid so,” Sirius said, shrugging. “I usually indulge him.”

Lily shrugged, then let herself be pulled into a fierce hug. When James released her, Sirius pressed her cheek to Lily’s, kissing lightly. “It was nice to meet you both. So much,” Lily said. “I feel like this will be good.”

Sirius smiled, then took James’ hand in hers as they started for the door. “Let us know if you need anything. Unpacking help or whatever. It’s the off-season so Jamie’ll be home all day.”

Lily froze as she held the door. “Oh my god. Oh. You’re James Potter.”

James licked his lips, ruffling his hair. “Ah. Well. Yes, I am.”

“Sorry, my dad’s a massive fan. I mean he always roots for the US teams but he loves you. Like…loves you. He’s going to shit when he finds out you’re my neighbour.”

James tugged Sirius close. “Just…try not to spread the love too much.”

Lily made a zip motion by her lips. “Secret’s safe with me. See you later.”

The couple left the house, and didn’t speak a word until they were nearly to theirs, when Sirius sagged a bit, and leant into James’ arm. “Is it just me, or do you not get the best feeling about this Sev person?”

“Something in her eyes?” James asked as he held the door open.

Sirius nodded sagely as she led the way to the kitchen. It was late, so it was looking more like a quick sandwiches night for tea. “Yeah. Just…not quite afraid but…”

“Yeah.” James sank into their kitchen chair. “Keep an eye on it?”

“We can’t assume anything,” Sirius insisted as she threw together something for them from the fridge. She pushed a plate in front of James and sat down. “We’ll just be friendly and…see where it goes from there. I really like her.”

James sighed, glancing out the window at the soft light shining from Lily’s kitchen, and he smiled with only half his mouth. “I do too. I really do.”

*** 

The first week was Sirius working, and coming home to find James over at Lily’s helping her sort and unpack. He thought he might be jealous at first, but in all honesty, he liked Lily a great deal and knowing that someone like her was keeping James company during the day, set his mind at ease.

On Friday, however, Sirius came home to James in the lounge, his feet up on the table, hand in a bag of crisps as he watched some shit reality TV. He glanced up at Sirius as he walked into the lounge, and turned his face up for a kiss.

Sirius obliged, putting his hand on James’ cheek. “No Lily today?”

“Well, I was missing you,” James said. “And she was too. So I thought I’d wait and we can go together? I’ve been keeping an eye out for the boyfriend’s car, but so far I haven’t spotted it. She hasn’t texted me today though, so…” James trailed off and shrugged.

Sirius hummed as he pulled off his coat and kicked off his shoes. “Let me just slip into something less office-y and then we can stroll over.”

James nodded, tugging him in for a kiss before going back to the show, and ten minutes later Sirius was dressed down in some joggers and a zip-top hoodie with a tank-top under it. The pair grabbed hands, and started across the street, ignoring a car with an oogling couple who passed them a little too slowly to be coincidence. 

With a sigh, Sirius stepped up to the door, but before he could push the buzzer, they heard yelling.

“…and you walk round with…with that on. Which, I mean it’s not appropriate, Lily.”

“It was hot this afternoon,” came Lily’s voice, sounding defensive but a little cowed. “What’s wrong with it. It’s not like my bloody tits were all the way out.”

Sirius almost snorted a laugh until he heard the reply. “Well with you being that big, they’re out in nearly everything you wear. Honestly you should be dressing for your body.”

James stiffened immediately, and his hands curled into fists. “Should we…?”

“We swore we wouldn’t get involved,” Sirius replied quietly. “Let’s go back and send her a text. Tell her she can come to ours for tea if she’s not busy.”

James swallowed, looking like he didn’t want to walk away, but he agreed with Sirius and the pair hurried home. James sent off a text straight away, and Sirius collapsed next to him on the sofa. The telly was still on, but the pair alternated between staring at James’ phone, and across the street for most of the evening.

It was past dusk when the text came through finally. Sirius had his head on James’ lap, James’ fingers carding through it as they flipped channels, and Sirius sat bolt upright when James’ phone buzzed. Swiping the screen, they read the text.

**Sorry, was dealing with some stuff. I would actually love to come by if it’s not too late.**

Sirius scrabbled to answer. _Never too late. Just watching shite tv. Come on in, the door’s open._

A moment later, the pair heard a car peeling away from the house, taking a turn far too fast, then disappeared down the road. Not five minutes after that, their buzzer rang, and James jumped up to get it. When Sirius looked over, Lily was there. Her hair was half in a bun, her cheeks red and splotchy, and she was wearing an over-sized jumper which bothered Sirius as they’d heard the whole conversation before.

But he knew this was not the time to bother her about it. He shifted over and pat the cushion next to him. “Come on, Lils. Let’s have a cuddle and Jamie can go make something unhealthy to go along with this shit tv.”

Lily looked at James who nodded, then she shuffled over and let Sirius draw her down into a hug. She pillowed her cheek on his shoulder, and let out a small sigh when he brushed his hand down her back. “Sorry. I’m a fucking mess right now and I just…”

“It’s alright,” Sirius murmured. He tucked her in close. “You’re welcome to talk about it if you want. Or we can just sit and watch some TV.”

“I think the latter, for now,” Lily murmured, sounding unsure.

Sirius nodded, then shifted over when James joined them. He brought with him a bowl of popcorn, crisps, three fizzy drinks, some ice cream, and a duvet. Sirius leant forward to pull the coffee table toward them, and the three curled up under the duvet.

“Netflix,” Sirius said, flicking through the movies. “Something…?”

“Nineties,” Lily said. “Do one of those shitty American high school films.”

Sirius found Clueless, then put that on as they tucked into the movie snacks, and did their best to help Lily forget about her shit night. Pretty soon they were laughing, mocking the California accents, quoting the film, and tearing through their snacks.

When it ended, Lily looked much better, and she was smiling at them both. “The cuddle pile was really nice,” she said, leaning her head on James, her hand firmly in Sirius’. “You do this for a lot of the neighbours?”

“Oh yeah,” Sirius said with a snort. “That racist old bint who keeps calling me a terrorist? We cuddle her all the time.”

Lily snort-laughed, burying her face in James’ shoulder. James grinned, catching Sirius’ gaze. “We only ever cuddle the cute ones. And since you and Sirius are the cutest…”

“Aww, did you hear that, Si?” Lily said, nudging him. “High praise.”

“The highest,” Sirius affirmed. “Really though, are you feeling better?”

She shrugged. “Yeah, I am. It was just a stupid row, you know? I’m sure you two have them.”

The look on her face, the desperation to know that she wasn’t alone, was enough to wrench Sirius heart. He squeezed her hand. “Of course, love. Of course we row. Then we make up and we talk about what happened. I’m sure that you and Sev will…”

She shook her head. “Just not something he wants to budge on. And I don’t…” She tugged her arms round her middle. “I just don’t get it. I like the way I look. I don’t…I don’t think my body’s wrong.”

James blinked. “Your body?”

“He just…thinks I have too much body. And I ought to dress more appropriately.”

Taking a breath, James’ face showed he was clearly contemplating his answer. “I think when he’s in an amiable mood, ask him to think about why he feels like you shouldn’t be allowed to dress the way you’re comfortable.”

Lily shook her head, looking a little frightened. “No it’s…trust me we’ve talked this through and he’s not going to change his mind. It’s just easier for me to you know…do this.” She tugged at the jumper sleeves.

James sighed, then shrugged. “Well whatever you want, love. Just…just know you’ve got us, okay?”

She grinned at them. “I know. I do. Anyway, I should get back before he gets home. If he gets there and I’m not in…” She paused and swallowed hard. “Text you later?”

“Please,” Sirius said, watching her with worried eyes as she made for the door. She barely gave them a goodbye as she hurried out, and the pair watched her cross the street at a near-run. The moment her door shut, Sirius turned back to his boyfriend. “You don’t think he’s hurting her, do you?”

James swallowed. “I don’t know. I feel like maybe this is how shit like this starts and I think we should keep a close eye on them both. I like her a lot, Pads. I really do, and if he lays a hand on her I swear to all that his holy…”

“I know,” Sirius said, then pulled James into an embrace. “I know.”

*** 

Things went the same for the next six months. Lily would visit when Sev was out, and during his long hours and when James was home on his off days, he’d visit with her. It wasn’t ideal. It was obvious Lily was trying to keep her friendship with them a secret, but they watched her closely.

A few times there were suspicious marks on her, but neither of them could get proof Sev had hurt her, and she only ever admitted to their screaming rows.

“He just really loves me. He’s really passionate,” she said one night over tea. Sirius had made spaghetti, and she wasn’t eating much, just twirling it round her fork and pushing it across the plate. It had been a bad one, and she’d showed up with a rip in her shirt and a cut on her lip she insisted she’d done herself when she turned into an open cabinet. “He’s always loved me.”

“That doesn’t mean he’s treating you right,” James said. When Lily took a breath to defend her boyfriend, James held up a hand. “I’m also not saying you need to leave or…whatever. Lily, you’re smart and gorgeous and worthy, and I think you’ll know if you need to call it quits.”

She swallowed, then nodded, her eyes cutting to Sirius who hadn’t said a word yet. “Yeah. It’s…I think it’s work stress but…it might be time to talk to him. You know. Maybe suggest we do couples counselling or something. I know he loves me and that’s wonderful, but it is getting exhausting.” She put her fork down and sighed. “I’m going to tell him we’ve been talking.”

Sirius blinked, then pushed her plate to the side. “Lils, do you really think that’s a good idea? You don’t think it’ll upset him?”

She let out a high, tense laugh. “Oh I know it will. But…but I feel like it’s time we were honest with each other.”

Sirius glanced over at James who shared a look with her of concern and hesitation. But Lily seemed determined and nothing they could say or do would put her off her decision. “Alright, love. But if you need us…”

“I know,” she said. She glanced at James first, then at Sirius, then sighed. “Thanks. I don’t know what I’d do without the pair of you.”

A little while later, they saw Sev’s car pull up, and this time Lily didn’t hurry out. She watched from the window, James’ arm round her waist, Sirius’ fingers twisted with her own. They watched as he went inside, and several lights flicked on.

“I should go,” she whispered, and there was a tremble in her voice.

James quickly turned her in his arms, cupping her face. “If you don’t think it’s safe…”

“He’d never hurt me,” she replied, but again there was a hesitation in her words. “Gotta be brave once in my life, right?”

James’ thumbs stroked her cheeks, then he leant in and pressed a kiss to the centre of her forehead. “I’m going to leave the front door unlocked tonight. So if you need to come in, whatever the hour, do it. Alright?”

Lily nodded, then noticed Sev coming out of the front door. He made a line straight for their house, so Lily broke away and hurried to the door to avoid a confrontation. When the door slammed shut, James drew Sirius close, and they watched her cross the street to him.

Sev’s arms were gesticulating wildly, pointing at the house, and she was speaking in obvious quiet tones. Eventually she got him to agree to go inside, and when their door shut, James bowed his head against Sirius’, and let out a slow breath.

“I’m nervous.”

“Me too.” Sirius turned in James’ arms, reaching up to cup his face. “Take me to bed. I need you. I need to…I need something.”

James dipped his head in low, and kissed her. Slow and languid, nipping at her bottom lip, and she let out a small sigh, pressing her growing erection against his leg. “Love you. So beautiful,” he whispered.

Sirius tipped her head back as James mouthed at the column of her throat, and carefully backed her up to the stairs. They made it, a tangle of limbs and clothes as they undressed each other. James grabbed one of Sirius’ legs, hooking it round his hip as he slotted their erections together, and Sirius let out a long, drawn out moan.

James’ hand splayed flat along Sirius’ sternum, then reached out, cupping round her nipple, using his thumb to brush along the sensitive nub. Sirius let out another groan, rocking so her erection slid more definitely against James’, and she was pushed back to the bed.

Their mouths met again, then James pushed her legs apart and went down…down, down until he was mouthing at the skin on the inside of her thigh. He took her cock in his hand, giving it several, long strokes before moving his mouth and taking her in. Sirius’ fingers clutched at the sheets, and she let her hips rise just a little as James took her in long, sucking pulls.

Just before she reached the edge, he pulled off with a wet pop, then pawed through their drawer for the lube. Pressing it into her hand, he pushed his face right against her neck. “Me or you, love?”

“Me,” she gasped. “Please, please take me.”

James obeyed, and before long had two fingers pumping inside her. She groaned, pushing against him, her nails digging into the skin along his shoulders, begging. He didn’t make her wait long, sliding in slow and careful, revelling in the wide, bright look in her eyes, the way her mouth fell open with pleasure, the way her head tipped back so he could see the fluttering pulse against the skin of her throat.

Her legs wrapped round his hips to take him in deeper, and he felt her erection pulsing against his stomach. “Fuck. So beautiful. You are so beautiful,” James groaned, cupping her cheek.

“Kiss me,” she groaned, and James complied as he thrust in hard. She gave a cry against his lips, and his hand slipped between them so he could bring her off with the sure, quick strokes he knew she loved.

It didn’t last long for either of them. Sirius came first with a small, muffled groan against James’ neck, and then James spilt, filling her. Spent, he rolled over gently, using his discarded t-shirt to clean up the mess. The room felt a little too cold on their sweat-soaked skin, so he pulled the duvet up to their chests, and let his hand trail in a lazy pattern down the soft expanse of her belly.

“I needed that,” Sirius whispered, turning her head to kiss his temple.

James hummed, nodding. “I know. Not sure I’ll get much sleep tonight. But that helped.”

Sirius hummed, then buried her face in James’ neck. Her breathing evened out shortly after, and before long, James was lulled to sleep by soft arms holding him tight, and the gentle, quiet sounds of the late evening.

*** 

It took several moments for Sirius to realise what woke him. He came to with a gasp, not sure if it was minutes or hours after he’d fallen asleep in James’ arms. Then he heard another, loud crash and he realised something was going on outside. James was up from the second noise, and the pair—still naked—scrambled from the bed. Sirius nearly tripped, tangled in the sheets, but managed to make it to the window to see a car peeling off into the distance. The fence at Lily’s was crushed, as was theirs. And squinting, Sirius was fairly sure at least two of Lily’s front windows were busted out.

Panicked, he scrambled for sweats, struggling into them as he ran for the bedroom door. James was quick on his heels. “Get your phone,” Sirius said, heading for the door. “It’s on the charger. I’m going to check and make sure…” He stopped as he flung the door open, nearly falling over a body on their stoop.

White-hot fear prickled through his body as he skidded down to his knees, his hands going out to brace himself. Not quite sure what to think, he grabbed Lily by the shoulders and turned her gently. She was wearing jeans and a white tank-top, blooming with spots of red all over. His throat went tight, and his eyes fixed on her chest which was still moving. His mouth formed the shape of James’ name, but no sound came out.

“Alright, Padfoot, I’ve got…” James’ words trailed off as he rushed up, and came to a crashing stop. “Oh. Fuck. OH fuck oh fuck,” he blabbered.

“James, call…call,” Sirius murmured.

James fumbled, punching in nine-nine-nine with shaking hands as Sirius began to tear off his shirt.

His shock kept his head foggy as he lifted up Lily’s shirt and attempted to stave off the bleeding, but there were so many spots. So many…what…what had happened?

“…emergency, yes. There’s a woman at my front door. Bleeding. Think she’s…she’s been stabbed. Please, please send someone,” James barked into the phone. “Yes we’ve got her. She’s…I think she’s…Sirius, is she breathing?”

“I…yes. Yes,” he murmured.

“She is,” James repeated. “No, she’s not conscious. She’s…okay. Um, Si, check her for other injuries?”

Sirius swallowed thickly, pressing the shirt over her torso where most of the wounds were, and he turned her head to the side, his eyes going wide at the sight of vicious bruising along her throat. “She’s…” he said, unable to form the words. He pointed with a bloodied finger.

“I think she was strangled,” James choked out. “God how long til…oh. Fuck okay. They’re here, just round the corner.”

After that, it was a flurry of movement, neither of them could remember much of. They were shuffled to the side, asked to give statements about the night, how they knew her, if they had any idea what happened. Sirius vaguely recalled talking about Sev, about their suspicions about him, Lily’s apprehension when she left.

After what felt like an eternity, James was suddenly at Sirius’ side, his hand on Sirius’ shoulder. “You should change. Then we can get to St Mungo’s.”

Sirius blinked at James, not quite comprehending what his lover was saying until a tall man with a very deep voice said, “I can drive you. I’m Detective Shacklebolt, and I need to get down there to speak with any family she might have.”

Sirius nodded, then looked over at James, not quite sure what to do next. He breathed out a grateful sigh when James took his hand and pushed through several officers at their door to get in. He puppeted Sirius up the stairs, and into their bedroom where Sirius’ knees went wobbly.

“I…er. I um. I…”

James sat Sirius on the bed, then began to slowly remove his clothes which now had bits of blood on them. He eased Sirius into a shirt and trousers, then drew him into the bathroom to wash what was left on his hands.

Sirius was dizzy with shock, and kept feeling like he was losing his grip on reality. “Is she…do you think she…”

“Shh,” James said, turning Sirius and cupping his cheeks. “They’ve got her there and she’s exactly where she needs to be.” James swallowed, looking a bit peaky himself, but he was holding it together far better than Sirius was. “Let’s go back down, yeah? We can get down there and keep watch on her.”

Sirius nodded, numb and confused, but his hand in James’ kept him grounded as they went to find the detective. Shacklebolt was waiting by his car, and nodded his head as the pair approached. “Gentlemen,” he said.

James gave Sirius a careful, questioning look, and Sirius inclined his head just once. James breathed out, then helped Sirius into the car before sliding in himself. The drive was quiet, James keeping Sirius tucked into his side, and the detective said very little until they arrived at the front of the hospital.

The couple followed the Detective, getting instructions from the welcome desk, and soon they found themselves in a room waiting to speak to Lily’s surgeon. There was another woman there, olive skin, blonde, wispy hair, and a pinched look about her. Her eyes cut to the detective warily, and Shacklebolt sighed.

“Are you here for Miss Evans?” he asked.

The woman pulled a face, then gave a curt nod. “I’m Petunia Dursley. I was phoned in as emergency contact. They needed some consent for her surgery.”

Sirius’ fingers curled into fists, and he took a breath as Petunia carried on.

“No one’s quite explained to me what happened,” she said.

Shacklebolt quickly filled her in on the details, or what little of them they had. “My last message is that her boyfriend, Severus Snape, has turned himself in.”

Sirius let out a sharp breath, and turned his face to James. “That’s good, isn’t it?”

“Suppose it is,” James muttered.

“So it’s…” Petunia’s lips thinned. “He was always a disastrous little boy, that Snape. Came from a rotten family. Poor,” she added with a sneer, making Sirius flinch. “I wish I could say I was surprised, but Lily was always a bit…well. You know.”

Sirius had to bite the inside of his cheek to keep from shouting at this woman who was talking down about her sister who’d just been nearly murdered by her abusive boyfriend.

Shacklebolt seemed to have the same idea, and he quickly took her statement, then told James and Sirius he’d be at his car doing a bit of paperwork. “Once you speak with the surgeon, feel free to come and get me.”

James nodded, then reached out to shake the detective’s hand before he left. Petunia gave them both a hard look, then sat as far away as she could manage—not that either of them minded.

There was a telly blaring on in the background, but Sirius couldn’t process any of it. Time seemed to speed up, then slow down to the point of being frozen, and nothing was making much sense. He wasn’t sure how long it was, but eventually a doctor appeared, and asked for Lily’s family.

Sirius wanted to jump up, but Petunia was quick on her feet. “Is she out?”

The doctor nodded. “Luckily only a few of her organs were grazed, and no serious damage. The worst was probably her larynx but she should make a full recovery.”

“So she’s out of danger?” Petunia asked.

The doctor nodded. “If you’d like to see her…”

“That won’t be necessary,” Petunia said. “I’ll be on my way. Please feel free to phone if you need any other assistance.”

The doctor looked a bit astounded when Petunia brushed past him, and soon enough James was on his feet. “We’re not…we’re not family, but we’re close friends. Can we…I mean is it possible if we…?”

“She’ll need most of the night to recover, but tomorrow during visiting hours, she should be just fine to receive visitors.”

Sirius licked his lips as he stood to join James. “So she’s…she’s really alright?”

The doctor nodded and seemed pleased there were at least some people in the room who wanted to see her, to make sure she was alright. “She’ll be fine. She’ll be here a few days for observation, then she’ll be perfectly alright to return home.”

James shook the doctor’s hand, then when he was gone, he turned to Sirius. “She’s…god she can’t go back to that house, Padfoot. It’s…she…”

“We’ve got the spare bedroom,” Sirius said in a rush, his head feeling far more clear now that he knew Lily was going to survive without much physical damage. “We can fix it up for her. There’s no sodding way we’re letting her go back to that place.”

“If she doesn’t want,” James said quietly. “I thought maybe family but it seems they’re about as pleasant as yours.”

Sirius scowled. “Fuck that pinched-face cow.”

James snorted a tense laugh, then took Sirius’ hand. “Come on. Let’s get a ride back home, and tomorrow we can head over and see her.”

*** 

Their house was a crime-scene for nearly the entire night. They ended up driving up to Remus and Regulus’ to stay as it was going to be several more hours until the crime scene units had everything cleared up. James was on the phone to Moony, pacing and chatting, and Sirius was lying flat on his back waiting for the shock to subside.

Every time he closed his eyes, though, he saw her lying there. Pale. Bleeding. Probably too near death for him to really contemplate. Covering his face, Sirius took in several, shaking breaths and willed himself to remain calm until James finally came into the room.

He flicked the lights off, and crawled up next to Sirius, drawing his lover in close. Neither of them said much, but as James drew Sirius to his chest, his breath hitched. James’ followed, and they allowed themselves a soft, tired cry until they both—by some miracle—finally fell to sleep.

*** 

Sirius only got a few hours, and the next morning he was awake before James. Padding into the kitchen, he was pleased to find Remus had some tea left in the cupboard, though they’d already been gone eight months so the box was a bit dusty. But it would do in a pinch, and he washed out the kettle, putting it on, and cleaning a couple mugs for when James woke.

There wasn’t much in the way of food—a few tins of beans but no bread for toast. Sirius realised though, it was likely he wouldn’t be able to eat for a while, and the tea would have to do.

James was up a few minutes later, and put his arms carefully round Sirius, kissing his neck. “Morning, gorgeous.”

“Hmm.” Sirius leant into the embrace. “Tea, then home?”

James nodded, and the pair of them took it in silence as they caffeinated, and prepared themselves for a long day. Hand-in-hand, they locked the flat back up, and headed back to theirs, grateful that everything had been cleared up. 

It was when they approached the door, however, that Sirius froze, staring down. The pavement was stained an ugly brown from where Lily had been, and James reached out, taking his hand. “We’ll get someone to clean it before she gets home.”

Sirius nodded as James got the door open. “But what about hers? What about…fuck what’s it like in there? We don’t even know what happened.”

James shook his head, almost afraid to answer that question. He instead led the way upstairs, and the pair hopped in the shower, then began to dress.

“We were fucking,” Sirius muttered after a moment. “We were fucking, and she was being stabbed.”

James spun round, looking at Sirius sharply. “Padfoot, I feel just as shite as you do about this. But we did what we could.”

“If we had…” Sirius began.

“If we pushed her, she’d have cut us off. And you know it,” James said, taking him by the face. “This is the worst thing…this is my worst fucking nightmare happening to someone I care about, but she’s alive and we’re going to see her, and it’s going to be fine.”

Sirius nodded, swallowing thickly. “It’s just hard,” he whispered.

“I know,” James said, and tugged a jumper over Sirius’ head. “But we’re going to be strong for her.”

Sirius nodded, and that seemed to snap him out of it, knowing he had to be there for Lily. He dressed himself after that, and before long, they were pulling into the visitor’s car park at St Mungo’s and getting badges to visit. They were on the list already, which made things easier, and she was already moved to a recovery room.

They took the lift in silence, and soon enough found themselves stood at her door. Luckily it was a private room, but before they went in, they could hear a soft, hoarse voice speaking.

“…and he started shouting at me.”

“Ah,” James said, clearing his throat. “Should we come back?”

Lily was in the bed, her throat bruised, and looking almost grey, but her eyes brightened when she saw them. “You’re here!”

There was a detective stood by her bed, taking a statement, and he spared the two a quick glance.

“Can they stay?” Lily asked.

With a shrug, the detective picked up his pen and tapped the paper. “You were saying?”

Lily gave the pair a look as they hovered nearby, then she cleared her throat, still speaking hoarsely. “Turns out when I was lying down, he’d taken my mobile and had gone through texts. He had seen me texting with James,” her eyes cut over to the couple, “and he started…started accusing me of sleeping with him. I…well we rowed a bit more, and then he started using um…uncomfortable language.”

The detective stared. “Uncomfortable?”

“Racist slurs,” she said, staring down at her hands. “Bigoted remarks about their um. Orientation. Do I have to repeat them?”

“No,” the detective said mildly. “Though you may have to if this goes to trial.”

She let out a shaking sigh. “Well. Alright. Anyway it escalated from there. The row moved into the kitchen—I thought maybe tea might calm him down but he just kept at it. Saying that he loved me and why did I have to have friends when he was all I needed. I told him he was starting to frighten me. Then he…he hit me.”

The detective marked a few things down, then asked, “Had he done it before?”

Lily determinedly didn’t look at Sirius or James as she said, “Yes. A few times. Usually when things were really escalating. I sort of snapped though. Told him that he was never to do that again. That I wasn’t to be treated like that. He started going on and on about how should I be treated? Should he quit his job and take up house duties? Then he grabbed the kitchen knife and a tomato and was babbling about making sandwiches. I tried to take it from him, and he swiped it at me, so I knocked it out of his hands. That’s when he…” She swallowed, and the gesture looked painful. “He grabbed me round the throat and…” She stopped, her eyes welling with tears.

At that both James and Sirius crossed over to her, stopping just short of the bed. James’ eyes fixed on the detective. “Does she have to relive this?” he asked angrily.

“I understand this is unpleasant and you may take your time, Miss Evans, but we need to corroborate your story with Mr Snape’s.”

Lily nodded, then gave James a small smile. “It’s alright. I’m alright.” She took another breath, then reached for her water, taking a sip and wincing as she swallowed. “He put his hands round my throat and started to choke me. I struggled, and ended up on the floor, but I don’t remember it. I was kicking at him, got him in the groin and he let go before I blacked out. But then he just…he stared at me and told me we were getting married and I was going to knock this shit off. I spat at him, I couldn’t speak, but I shook my head so he just…he grabbed the knife.”

“Do you recall how many times he stabbed you?” the detective asked, and James had to fight back the urge to punch him.

“No,” Lily said. “Honestly after the first one I didn’t even really feel them.” She absently rubbed her side where most of the wounds were. “I…I got dizzy. He jumped up off me, and I heard him get the keys. Then I heard him crash into the gate. I looked for my mobile, but he’d smashed it so…so I decided to try and get to James and Sirius.”

The detective looked at the pair of them. “Alright.”

“I reached their gate, then got really dizzy and that’s the last thing I remember.”

The detective made a few more marks on his paper, then closed it. “Thank you, Miss Evans. I’m glad you’re feeling better, and we’ll be in touch if we have any questions.”

Lily nodded, then asked, “Is he out? Sev, I mean?”

“No. He’s been put on remand until his hearing. So you will be fine to return home.” The detective gave the couple a nod before he started for the door. “Oh, and do feel free to ring me up if you think of anything else that might be important to your case. Have a good afternoon, Miss Evans.” With that, he was gone.

After a long silence, James let out a breath. “What a fucking twat.”

Lily stared at him, then laughed a little. “Suppose he was.”

That broke the tension between them, and Sirius released James, leaning in to kiss her on the cheek. She put a careful arm around him, then moved slightly to the side and pat the bed. “Come on, then. I could use a proper cuddle.”

Sirius didn’t hesitate, complying with her immediately, though he was extra careful of the tubes attached to her body, and the side he knew had to be covered in stitches. The pair of them laid down on the thin, hospital pillow as James eased himself up next to her feet, and tucked them into his lap.

“How are you feeling?” Sirius asked quietly.

She took in a long, slow breath. “High. They’ve got me on this lovely morphine pump, you see. So it’s lovely. I think once that’s done I’ll probably fall apart.”

Sirius swallowed thickly and glanced at James before looking back at her. “Well Jamie and I were thinking that er…well. Maybe after you’re out of here, you could stay with us.”

“We met your sister last night,” James put in. “Wasn’t sure if you’d be interested in staying with her.”

Lily blinked, then laughed again. “Petunia? Yeah er…no. She’s got a horrid little kid at home, and her husband is a right bastard. Have I…I mean have I lost my home or…?”

“No,” James said quickly. “No of course not. It’s only, we weren’t sure you’d want to go back there.”

Lily stared at Sirius, then at James. “Suppose you’re right. I didn’t think. This is all rather…” She trailed off, then shrugged. “Alright if we don’t talk about it?”

“Of course,” Sirius said, reaching up to stroke her hair. “We only meant to say you’ve got a place with us. Room to yourself, and right near yours in case you need you know…things.”

“Things,” she repeated with a laugh. “Oh I think I’ve just got my next dose.” Her eyes wandered up to the machine next to the bed. “I’m a bit sleepy.”

Sirius shifted off the bed, and pulled the blanket up higher along her torso. “We’ll come back later, okay? And you just…think about it.”

She hummed, reaching up to palm his cheek, and he leant in, letting his lips brush along her cheek. James quickly did the same, then the pair wandered out as her eyes slipped closed and she succumbed to the drugged sleep.

Instead of leaving straight away, the pair went to a coffee cart perched in the corridor, and got themselves each a latte. The hospital had a nice garden for some of the long-term patients to sit in, and they found themselves on a bench under a shady willow tree, Sirius tucked up against James’ side.

“You think she’s going to be alright?”

James sighed, glancing up at the fourth floor window. “Probably. After a while. You don’t just bounce back from that shite, you know. And there’s…there’s a lot more to come.”

“I hope that bastard fucking rots. If I ever see him, ever,” Sirius growled, then stopped. 

“I know,” James breathed, kissing the side of his head. “Believe me, Padfoot. I know.”

*** 

Lily was released four days later, and by the time she was off her morphine, she was feeling uncertain about going home. When James reminded her they had a room made up for her, she eventually agreed to give it a try. He was driving, and Sirius pushed the wheelchair to the kerb, easing her inside the back of the car.

“Doing alright?” she asked carefully as she grabbed Lily’s hand.

Lily sighed. “I mean, as well as I can expect.” She slid onto the seat, and moved back as Sirius shut the door.

They rode in relative silence, but it became tense and uncomfortable as they pulled onto the street. Sirius turned her head back, watching Lily stare at her front door. The crime scene tape was gone now, but no doubt she was reliving the night everything went to hell.

“You want me to get a few things for you?” Sirius offered as James switched the car off. “I could grab some clothes or…or whatever you like? Bath products or something?”

“I’d kill for a bath right now, but not allowed just yet.” She fussed with the hem of her shirt. They’d given her waterproof bandages to put over her stitches, but there was still no soaking in water until her stitches were ready to come out. She sighed, and leant forward between the two seats. “But you know, that might be nice. I keep thinking I should be strong enough, you know? To walk into my own home but I don’t know what it looks like and…”

James glanced up at their front walk which had finally been cleared of the blood, though it had taken a lot of scrubbing. So far he wasn’t sure anyone had done anything about her kitchen, and he reached over, taking Sirius’ hand. “Let’s get Lils inside. Then we can go…figure things out.”

Lily agreed, and with both of them on either side of her, they got in and got her settled on the sofa with Sirius’ favourite duvet, the telly, and some tea to take her meds with. The pair of them waited until it was clear the pain medication had kicked in, then Sirius leant down and kissed her forehead.

“Just popping over now, love. Keep my mobile here.” She pushed her mobile into Lily’s hand. “Won’t be more than a minute.”

Lily let out a quiet hum, and didn’t protest as the couple stepped out of the house, James clutching her key in his hand.

“What if it’s still bloody?” Sirius said as they approached the door. 

“Reckon it probably is. They collected evidence, but I’m not sure they do a clean-up.”

Sirius grimaced, her nose wrinkling up. “Should we…do something about it?” She fell silent as James pushed the door open. She wasn’t entirely sure what to expect. Perhaps the foul, suffocating stench of old blood. Instead it held the faint sting of cleaning products.

She groped out for James’ hand, and he carefully tugged her toward the kitchen. The pair were apprehensive, but James poked his head round the door first, and let out a small sigh of relief. “It’s clean. They must have…” He trailed off, letting Sirius’ hand go as he wandered toward the table. Reaching out, he snatched up a bit of yellowed paper, and scowled at it. “They left a bill.”

Sirius, who was busy scanning the room with narrowed eyes, glanced over at James. “What?”

“The Met sent a biohazard cleaning service,” James said, slapping the paper down. “And they’ve cleaned it. And left her a bill.”

Sirius’ jaw went tense for just a moment, then she sighed. “Let’s get her things and go. She shouldn’t wake up there alone.”

Together the pair of them found Lily’s bedroom, which was still in a state of disarray after the altercation. But bypassing broken bits of mobile and other things, they found a case and threw together Lily’s clothes—as much as they could fit. Sirius busied herself with the bathroom products, taking the best smelling, most soothing ones—a handful of bubble bars and some lotions—and packed them up.

James managed to sort out a few pair of shoes, and then the pair were back off to theirs. When they got in, Lily was still sleeping, her breathing even, the duvet tucked defensively round her body. They took her things upstairs, then James pulled Sirius into their bedroom.

“I’m going to sort dinner. Just…just go pick something up, I think. Maybe from Pete’s?”

“Alright,” Sirius said quietly. “Maybe invite him over this weekend? Just for the company. He’d like Lily and I think I’d like the distraction.

James carefully reached up, brushing his fingers down her cheek. “She’s safe, we’ve got her. And I doubt they’ll let that bastard anywhere near her again.”

Sirius swallowed, but nodded. “It’s only…what if she changes her mind?” When James raised a brow, she sighed. “I did. Remember? Remember that summer, Jamie? I went back three times before I realised nothing was going to change and my parents were always going to…” She trailed off, dragging a hand up through her hair.

“You were sixteen,” James said, cupping her cheeks. “Sixteen and scared and alone—even if you did have me and mum and dad. This isn’t the same thing, my love.”

Sirius went a bit boneless at the term of endearment and allowed herself to sink into James’ arms. “We’ve got her,” she repeated.

James nodded against her hair. “We’ve got her. Now go downstairs and get some rest. You could use it too. I’ll be back quick as I can.”

Sirius let James drag her back to the lounge, and she carefully situated herself in the chair closest to Lily. The telly was on, though silent, and after the door clicked shut and the sound of James’ car drove off down the street, Sirius pushed her face against the chair’s cushion and allowed herself to cry.

*** 

Things were tense that first week. With Lily healing and everyone unsure what was going to happen next with Snape, no one said much beyond polite conversation. James invited Lily to sleep in their bed, if she needed the company, but every night she locked herself in the guestroom and didn’t emerge until morning.

Eventually Sirius went back to work, knowing it was the only thing that was going to keep him properly occupied. They got word of the first hearing, which wouldn’t be held for another month and a half, so it was all a waiting game from there.

It was a Wednesday—James was off on a press thing for his team—and Sirius decided to skive off early. He grabbed some take-away Greek on his way home, and stepped into the kitchen to find Lily at the table, her face in her hands.

She quickly attempted to wipe at her tear-stained cheeks, but gave Sirius a somewhat guilty smile as he set the food down. “You’re early.”

He nodded, staring at her. “Can I…do you want me to sit? Or I can leave you be or…?”

“No,” she said quickly. “No, company is nice.”

Sirius carefully eased a chair out, and lowered himself down next to her. “Do you erm…want to…”

“They just added a second charge against Sev,” Lily said, and clasped her hands tightly together on top of the table.

Sirius blinked at her. “Ah.”

“St Mungo’s released my…” She stopped and swallowed hard. “I was pregnant,” she blurted. “Seven weeks gone. I didn’t know.”

Was. She _was_ pregnant.

Was.

Which meant she was not now.

Which meant when Snape attacked her…

“Shit,” Sirius breathed. “Shit. Fuck. Lily…”

She shook her head, her eyes welling with tears again, but she brushed them off impatiently. “I don’t know how I feel. Because I think to myself—what would I do if it hadn’t…you know. Would I have kept it? That man’s baby?”

Sirius looked at her for a long time.

“No,” she said after a long pause. “I don’t think I would have. I don’t think I could imagine…” She stopped again and her breathing was shaking, but her voice was steady. “They’re deciding whether or not it can be considered a homicide charge, I guess. That’s what that detective bloke said on the phone.”

“Did you know?” Sirius asked. “Before all this?”

Lily nodded. “They told me at the hospital. Some nurse apologised to me and I asked what for. I mean, I assumed you know, for all the stabbing and everything but…” She licked her lips. “Anyway, I haven’t had time to really process it.”

“Can I hug you?” Sirius asked meekly.

Lily’s green eyes cut to his face, then she let out a sharp laugh and stood up. “Yes, you stupid, sappy fool. Come give me a fucking cuddle.”

Sirius let her drag him to the sofa where they curled up against each other. She cried a little more, he stroked her hair and told her stories about him and James at school. She wanted to hear how they fell in love. Sirius didn’t think getting each other off in supply cupboards for months until they realised they were boyfriends was very romantic, so he made up some sappy shit about stargazing by the Black Lake and secret meetings on top of the astronomy tower.

By the time he finished, Lily had drifted of, and he continued to hold her until James got home. 

She didn’t wake as Sirius eased himself from under her, and the pair crept up to the bedroom where Sirius spilt the whole story, James ending it at the edge of the bed, his face in his hands.

“I’ve never wanted to hurt someone so badly in my life,” he muttered into his palms. He tipped his head up, his eyes narrow with pain. “Si, I want to…I want him to be released so I can put my hands round his fucking throat and…”

Sirius pulled James’ hands down and replaced them with his own. “I know. But that isn’t helpful for her, you know. The trial is soon and she just…needs us.”

“She’s got us,” James said quietly, nuzzling into Sirius’ palm. He cupped the back of Sirius’ knuckles and pressed a kiss to the warm skin. “Hasn’t she.”

Sirius sighed, dipping low to nose through James’ messy locks. “She’s got us,” he repeated very softly. “Unconditionally.”

*** 

The trial was delayed several times, but eventually it happened. It was the worst Sirius or James had ever seen Lily. She was pale, shaking, but she gave her statement in a strong voice, avoiding Snape’s gaze the entire time. For his part, he looked unrepentant, and maintained the defence that she had driven him to violence by behaving in an immoral way with the neighbours.

It was a weak defence, luckily, and even with his well-paid lawyer, he was charged with attempted murder and sentenced to twenty years in prison.

The entire process took months, but by Autumn, it was over. Lily put her house up for sale, and Sirius and James took care of getting rid of all the things that had once belonged to Severus and Lily. She moved what she could in with the pair of them—it not even really a question that she’d stay, and by November, they had all settled in.

With the stress of everything, James had decided to take a leave of absence from footie. It was granted without prejudice, the trial having been a bit more public than either of them would have preferred, but he wasn’t set to return until the off-season when practise would begin again.

It left him at home with Lily, making sure she was alright.

And things seemed fairly okay.

At least, Sirius assumed so. Until she came home one evening to find James sat on the end of their bed, face in his hands again. His shoulders were hunched up near his ears, and Sirius quickly dropped her things near the bed and walked up to him. “Love?”

James didn’t budge, but made a distressed noise in the back of his throat.

“Are you pissed?” Sirius asked, amusement colouring her tone. She slipped out of her trousers, rummaging through the wardrobe for something that felt far more fitting than business suits, and finally settled on some capri leggings with lacy cuffs, and a threadbare t-shirt with Bowie’s face. As she tied her hair up into a high bun, she realised James still hadn’t moved. “Sweetheart?”

James swallowed audibly and looked up. “I’m…I…” His eyes were red-rimmed, and it was then Sirius realised this might be an actual problem.

Her head cocked to the side and she reached out to touch his shoulder, but he flinched away.

“Don’t,” he growled. “I don’t deserve it. I’m…I fucked up, Si.”

Blinking, Sirius took a step back, worried because she had never seen James this distressed. “What…what happened. Whatever it is, I’m sure it’ll be alright. I love you, okay? And it’s going to be fine.”

James’ face scrunched up in agony, and before Sirius could say anything else, he fell off the bed, onto his knees. Shuffling forward, he grabbed Sirius round her waist, and buried his face against the soft part of her lower stomach. “Sirius,” he breathed, repeating her name over and over. “I love you. I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry.”

Sirius buried her fingers in his hair. “You need to tell me what happened. I don’t know why you’re apologising and it’s starting to scare me.”

James looked up, his eyes peering at Sirius over the rims of his glasses. “I like her.”

Sirius blinked. “You…like her. You’ll have to be more specific.”

“It occurred to me today,” James said. His arms fell down, and he dropped back onto his arse, hugging his knees to his chest as he shuffled back toward the bed. Unable to stop herself, Sirius dropped down too. James sniffed, then tossed his glasses onto the bed and scrubbed his face. “We were just…having tea. In the lounge. Feet up on the coffee table. She’d put Doctor Who on, the Tenant ones. And I looked over at her…”

“Lily,” Sirius said, her voice neutral. 

James nodded, his eyes closing in misery. “I looked at her and she was laughing and fuck. Fuck. I like her. And our gazes met and I reached out for her before I stopped myself. Then I jumped up and said I had to go upstairs to make a call. She told me a little later she was going out. She hasn’t been back since. I think…I might have…I would have kissed her. I’m scum. I love you so much and I can’t believe I’m…I shouldn’t…”

Sirius swallowed, then reached out with a hesitant hand, cupping it over James’ knee. She squeezed very lightly until James finally looked at her. “Alright.”

James blinked. “Alright?” he almost bellowed. “What does that even mean, Si? Did you hear what I said? I almost kissed her. I like her. That’s as good as having fucking cheated on you and I would…I have never…I would never…”

“Stop,” Sirius ordered, her voice going firm. When she had James’ attention again, she inclined her head just once. “I like her too. I…I’ve never liked a girl before, of course. So I wasn’t sure, and it seemed wrong. She’s been through so much and I didn’t want it to seem like I was…you know. Taking advantage because she’s vulnerable. But I like her too. Don’t like you less, Prongs.” He nearly whispered the old nickname from school, and James blinked rapidly. “Please come here. Let me…”

James shuffled, dropping his knees so he could take Sirius into his arms, and he held on bruisingly tight. “You…like her.”

“I do. I think she…fits well here,” Sirius said very quietly. “I’m not sure if her being with the pair of us is anything she’d actually be interested in. Didn’t even really occur to me.”

James turned his face, pushing his nose against Sirius’ temple. “I’m not sure I can do it. Share you. Share myself,” he groaned, still in obvious pain. “Sirius, you are my everything. Everything,” he whispered fiercely.

Sirius cupped James’ chin in her hand, turning his face, and pressed her lips against his in a slow, tender kiss. When she pulled away, she let her thumb stroke the side of his cheek. “I feel the same way about you, love. Nothing has ever been more important to me than you are. But I’m not opposed to exploring it. If it’s something you might want.”

“I don’t know,” James groaned.

Sirius let out a very quiet chuckle. “You don’t need to know right now. Just…think on it. Talk to her, if you think that might help. Then maybe the three of us can…work it out. I’m not…I’ve never wanted anyone else but you before so it’s new for me too. I just know that I don’t think I can imagine life without her here too.”

James nodded, not moving his face from the side of Sirius’ neck, and he clung on so tight it was almost difficult for her to breathe. But she allowed it, James clearly needing the comfort, and she ran her fingers into his hair.

“Alright,” he muttered after a long while. “What do I do though, if I decide I don’t want it. And…and you do?”

Sirius carefully turned his face up again, to look her in the eye before she spoke. “Maybe it’ll be different later if the three of decide to make a go of this. But right now Jamie, you are my everything. And I can’t imagine that ever changing. I care about her, but I’m with you. So it’s together, or not at all.”

James let out a trembling breath. “If I…if she and I talk and I want to kiss her again or…”

“Do it,” Sirius said, and when James looked a bit petrified, she smiled and pressed a soft kiss to the corner of his mouth. “Kiss her, and see how it feels. And don’t be afraid of how it’s going to make me feel. New waters, love. But I think we’ll be alright.”

“Promise me,” James muttered, and tugged Sirius close again. “Promise me I’m not the worst. That I’m not scum for…”

“You’re not,” Sirius said in a rush. She held him as tight as he was holding her, and she closed her eyes as her cheek leant against his hair. “You’re still the fantastic person you’ve always been. The man I will always, and forever, be in love with.”

*** 

James didn’t pluck up the courage to speak to Lily, or even be alone with her again, for a few days. But Sirius was on a work trip that Friday, dragged to Glasgow until the following Wednesday, and James had no choice. He came into the lounge that Friday evening to find Lily setting out some take away. She gave him a sheepish smile, and shrugged one shoulder.

“I know we ought to start doing better. Cooking and everything, but I just can’t seem to find the energy.” She shoved a white box at him as she settled between the table and the sofa.

James stared, then eased himself down next to her, though he didn’t bother with the food. “You want to try the market tomorrow? We could google some recipes, try a few things for when Sirius gets back? I’d like to surprise her with something nice.”

Lily’s smile widened. “Yeah, alright. I was a fairly decent cook once. Probably like…dunno, riding a bike?”

James laughed quietly. “Yeah, probably. Not that Si and I were ever any good at it, but we made do.”

Lily chewed a bit, then glanced at him. “Was it ever hard? When Sirius started switching pronouns?”

James shrugged. “I…suppose maybe. It was so long ago, you know? And it sort of fit with her. Like when she came to me and explained it all, it seemed to fit. So it was more breaking habits than it actually being hard to accommodate what she wanted. Now I rarely even have to ask. She…carries herself differently.”

“I’ve noticed,” Lily said, poking her fork into a pile of rice. “I mean, I’m not as good as you are on picking up on the clues. Sirius’ is always…Sirius. So I think it’s still mostly guess-work for me. But I’m getting better.”

“She’s never complained,” James assured her.

Lily grinned. “I like her. I like you both. I don’t think…I mean apart from the fact that I literally wouldn’t have survived without you two coming to the door, I don’t know that I’d have got past all of this without you.”

James bowed his head, feeling like an utter twat for wanting to bring it all up now. It hadn’t even been a year yet, and he wasn’t sure that this was the right time. But then her hand, very casually and unassuming, fell on his thigh and he felt a wooshing through his gut. Like he had years and years ago when he was just figuring things out with Sirius.

“I like you too,” he blurted. “More than um. More than I expected to. Fancy you, actually.”

At that, Lily drew her hand away, and when he dared to look up, her expression was somewhere between hope and fear. “James,” she breathed. “James I…” He leant forward, and she mirrored him. Her hand came up again, resting on his shoulder, and his went to her waist. She shifted, and he hitched her up against his chest. Before their lips could meet, she shook her head. “Fuck. No. I can’t.”

James pulled back immediately, his hand leaving her body. “Alright. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I…”

“I want to,” she said. “But I can’t do this to Sirius. I…I love her so much and the two of you are…you can’t cheat on her with me, James.”

James blinked. “She knows. I…the other day when we almost…” He swallowed and she nodded. “I told her. She came home and I begged her to forgive me and she told me…well. She told me she fancies you.”

Lily blinked. “Sirius? Me? Sirius fancies me?”

James let out a startled laugh. “Yes?” It came out nearly a question, and one of his eyebrows darted up. “Do you not…?”

“Oh god I do,” Lily said, and shook her head. “I…I like you both but she was the first…I mean it was before Sev.” She cleared her throat. “I’m sorry. And I felt like a complete arsehole about it because the two of you were so in love. But there was just something about her.”

James laughed quietly, and put his hand on her knee. “I can’t blame you. Every time I look at her, it’s like I fall in love all over again. But I…she asked me to think about what I wanted. And to maybe talk to you and see how you felt. The two of us have never done anything like this before, but every time I think about you not here, or dating someone else, it hurts, Lils. I want you. She wants you. And maybe this is too tricky to navigate but…”

His words were cut off when she raised a hand and put it to his cheek. “Shut up and kiss me.”

James blinked, then nearly dove across the short distance between them, and his lips met hers. Lily’s parted for him, tongues brushing tentatively against one another. She kissed different from Sirius, tasted different, felt different in his arms. Sirius was all things familiar and home and love and future. Lily was new and warm, but it felt right. It felt like there had been a piece missing for a long time, and he was finally finding it.

When he pulled away, her cheeks were flushed, and she was gripping his shoulders tight. “Was that alright?” he asked, his voice barely above a whisper.

Her smile was shy, and she nodded. “More than. I’ve…wanted you both for a while now and I was. Well. I can’t say I was hoping because I was so afraid to come between what you had.”

“You couldn’t. You belong here.” He cupped her cheek softly, and felt his stomach spin again when she leant into it.

“What if Sirius decides she doesn’t want me? Then…?”

James licked his lips and decided brutal honesty, because Lily had been lied to and mistreated enough for a dozen lifetimes. “Then I choose her. Because she’s been my everything. But I don’t think that’s going to be the case. She’s wanted you…or well she’s known she wanted you, for longer than I have. She was afraid of taking advantage of you during a tough time. And that maybe you wouldn’t want her.”

Lily laughed and shook her head. “Ridiculous.”

“I know,” James murmured. He moved his head in closer, and brushed his lips along hers. And then she turned her face up to deepen the kiss. His hands went to her ribs, drawing up and down, and she shifted and shifted until she was in his lap, straddling him. James shoved the table back as she ground against his hardness, but after a moment, he pulled back. “I…I want you. But I need to…I have to…”

“Right, yes.” Lily shifted off. “Um. Shall I just…?”

“Just let me call her, okay? I want to know that this is okay.”

Lily nodded, and didn’t meet his eyes as James rose on shaking legs, carrying himself upstairs as he dialled. He pushed the phone to his ear too hard, grateful for the sharp sting of it because he needed to be grounded as he spoke to his lover.

Sirius’ voice came on the line not long after. “Hey. I’m just heading to the hotel so…”

“I kissed her,” James blurted. “I told her everything about how I feel, and how you feel and I…and we kissed and I feel like I might go further but I’m afraid to without you.”

“I’m okay with it,” Sirius replied very softly. “I am. Does she…I mean…about me?”

“She does,” James said, a sudden, immense feeling of relief flooding through him. “She does. She said she fancied you first, long before the…the incident.”

There was a pause, then Sirius laughed. “Yeah?”

“Not that I blame her for falling for your gorgeous arse. I think anyone who isn’t in love with you is bloody mad.”

“You’re bloody mad,” Sirius said, but her voice was fond.

“So it’s…we’re alright?”

“Yes,” Sirius said firmly. “And maybe she and I can talk. The three of us, of course, need to sit down but…”

“Yes,” James said. “Yes?”

Sirius laughed quietly. “Yes. Now stop talking to me and…go. Go let her know we love her very much.”

“I love _you_ very much. I…Sirius, you are the love of my life. You are…”

“Your everything,” she said with another laugh. “I know, you great prat. You never let me forget. I’m going to soak in the tub and order something really unhealthy to the room and watch some shite movie and miss you both terribly. And I’m happy, James. So go.”

“Okay,” James said, his voice still trembling a little. “I…okay. Just…hurry home.”

“Quick as I can,” she promised.

After struggling, James finally ended the call, then stepped to the door and called out for Lily. For one, painful moment he thought maybe she’d gone. Then there were faint steps trailing up, and a moment later, she appeared. His hands reached out without him realising he was doing it, and he grabbed her by the waist, fingers sinking into her soft, smooth skin, and he drew her close.

She fit against him comfortably, and he breathed in the soft, floral scent she and Sirius were now sharing in the form of lotions and bath salts and other things to pamper themselves with. It was like having a part of Sirius there with him, and whilst he missed Sirius fiercely, somehow it made the moment a little more bearable.

Tipping his head down, he cupped her cheek. “Hi.”

She grinned, leaning into him just a little. “Hi. All’s well.”

“All’s well,” James breathed. Then dipped his head low and kissed her again. This time there was no hesitation. This time it was insistent, dominating tongue as he manoeuvred them backward into the bedroom. The door slammed, ringing through the room like the answer to a long-spoken prayer. He stepped backward until his calves hit the bed, then he stopped and reached for the hem of her shirt. “Please?”

“Yes,” she breathed, and closed her hand over his.

James, with the most careful motions, guided her shirt up, over the soft expanse of her belly, her breasts, over her head. Her hair was delightfully tousled as he tossed it to the floor, and his hand ghosted down the front of her lacy bra, to the waistband of her jeans.

“More?” he asked.

She didn’t answer aloud this time, but nodded, and shifted so he could undo the button, pull down the zip, and slide the jeans over her hips. He knelt down with the waist of them, letting his palms roam over her thick thighs, and her knees, over the front of her shins as she stepped out of the jeans.

When he rose to face her, his eyes were slightly watery, pupils blown wide with want, and he drew her close. “Fuck. You are so beautiful. I can’t even…there are no words,” he said, his voice slightly choked.

She stared at him, the ghost of a smile playing on her lips, and when she kissed him, it was fierce and without abandon. Her hands roamed the broad expanse of his chest as he carefully slipped out of his own clothes. He was achingly hard as they finally fell to the bed, the scent of home and familiarity around him.

They were side to side, one of her legs kicked up over his, and he reached round to undo the clasp on her bra. “Can I?”

She nodded, then when he pulled her free, she grabbed his wrist. “I want this,” she said, her voice firm. “I want this, I want you. So you don’t have to keep asking. But I…but thank you. For doing it before.”

James bit down on his lip as he nodded, tossing the undergarment away. His hand ghosted down her back, cupping her arse and he felt the lace of her knickers bite into his skin. “I want this to be good for you. I need you to understand how much I want you Lily. Not just the sex but…”

“I know,” she said. Then she began kissing him in earnest. Her hand went between them, and she began to stroke him through his boxers. He groaned into her mouth, pushing against her with his chest until she was mostly flat on her back. Hovering over her with one arm pushed into the bed, he pulled away to yank his glasses off. 

“Can I lick you?”

Lily let out a sharp gasp, then nodded as James slid between her legs. He used the barest pressure of flat palms against her thighs, easing her legs open. His fingers curled into the waistband of her knickers, and he first pushed his nose into her mound, breathing her in, before mouthing her through the lace. She hissed, pressing her hips down, and he smiled as he tongued the fabric. After a moment, he let his fingers draw the knickers away, shifting so she could pull them off, then he kissed up her thighs until he reached exactly where she wanted him to be.

It only took a moment before he got to the point, using one finger to gently probe her as his tongue worked her clit. She groaned, her thighs trembling with need, and it only took a few, firm strokes of his tongue before she’d come undone.

She orgasmed with a very small, breathy cry, one hand flying to his hair as she clenched round him. James groaned at the feel of it, and he eventually lifted his head to stare at her face. “Alright?”

She nodded, flush in her cheeks. “Do you have condoms? I want you inside me.”

James had to bite the inside of his cheek to keep from losing it there. He managed, as he fumbled into their bedside drawer, and pulled out a condom and some lube. He didn’t lose her gaze as he rolled it over his prick, and lubed himself up to make sure she felt the most pleasure possible.

Her knees crooked up, heels pressing into the mattress as James positioned himself at her entrance, and he cupped her cheek. “Now?”

Lily nodded, her curls splayed wildly against the pillow. “Now,” she begged. “Please, please.”

James didn’t need telling twice. He slid inside, feeling her tightness engulf him, and he bit back a heavy groan as he pushed until he was completely buried inside her. He paused, just for a moment, and he could feel her trembling round him.

“Fuck,” she said after a second. “Move, please. Fuck me, James.”

That was all it took for him to start thrusting, keeping his head bent low. They didn’t kiss, but her head lifted and she mouthed at his neck, at his collarbone, keeping him in close and tight as she ground against him.

For all that they wanted to draw it out, it was over very quickly. James couldn’t hold on any longer, and she came just after he did, riding out her orgasm against his throbbing cock. When they were both spent, he rolled to the side, tying off the condom and aiming it at the bin.

Turning back toward her, she had her eyes closed, and her flush was slowly starting to recede.

“Alright?” he asked, his hand reaching out to brush away a few, errant curls.

Her green eyes slid open, and she turned toward him, blinking. “Yeah,” she said. Then promptly burst into tears.

Feeling panicked, James flailed for a moment, not sure what to do. Then his instincts kicked in and he put one hand at her side. “Can I hold you? Or was it something I did?”

She didn’t answer, but she rolled into his embrace, and let him rub her arm and kiss along her hair until the shaking stopped, and her tears dried up. After a few minutes, she pulled back and shook her head. “Fuck. I’m sorry. I don’t know why I did that.”

“It’s alright,” he said, brushing his thumbs over her cheeks.

“It was just…before. With Sev—and I know that talking about him right now is probably the worst thing I could do but…”

“It isn’t,” James assured her. “These are experiences you’ve had and they’re not going to just disappear. It’s okay to share them with me. With us.”

She swallowed. “He wasn’t always bad. But…I think I forgot what it was like to be loved during sex. When it wasn’t just the shagging chore to get him off and hurry him along. I haven’t…I haven’t felt beautiful in a really long time. I mean, you and Sirius always made me feel pretty. And wanted—even when I thought it was just platonic. But tonight…” She swallowed. “It was a lot to take in.”

“I’m sorry,” James said, brushing his hand over her hair. “If it was too much…”

“It wasn’t too much. It was just…something I hadn’t expected. I didn’t know what to expect, honestly.” She sighed and shifted so her ear was resting over his heart. “Can I sleep here?”

“Yes,” James said firmly. “Any time you want.”

Lily smiled against his skin and hummed. “I love you, James. I mean, I don’t know if it’s ‘in love’ or…I dunno. But I just know that you and Sirius…I love you both very much. And I can’t picture my life without you.”

James laughed quietly and tucked the duvet up around them both. “Good thing. Because I really don’t think you’ll ever have to.”

*** 

“Jesus,” Lily gasped quietly, biting down on her knuckles. She was pressed against the shower wall, one leg up and Sirius was between her legs. For all that James was good at this, he had nothing on Sirius. Sirius, who was a bloody oral sex deity. 

They’d been together now, the three of them, for a several months. It had taken some adjusting, and there were times when Sirius and James craved each other’s company alone. Lily was happy to give it, because they were there for her any time she truly needed them. And having been with Sev who kept a suffocating watch over Lily’s every move, she treasured the independence the pair gave her.

Sirius wasn’t always in the mood for sex, and not always with her. But when he was, the passion was intense. James was at an away game—having left just a few days earlier, and most of the time had been her and Sirius vegging out on the sofa, and going shopping, and sharing bubble baths.

But Sirius had woken up in a mood, and jumped into the shower with her. She was definitely not complaining.

As she came, pressing hard against his face, she heard him give a shout, and felt a hot spurt from Sirius’ hard prick hit her foot. It was common for Sirius to get off whilst giving oral sex—something else she wasn’t entirely used to, but she was entranced by. 

Honestly she was entranced by both of them. Their dynamic with each other, with her. And how fiercely they loved.

As she came back to herself, she glanced down at Sirius who was smiling at her through a mop of soggy hair. He rose, carefully taking her face between his hands, and kissing her long and slow.

“Morning, gorgeous.”

She smiled at him before suddenly being hit with a violent wave of nausea. Scrambling past him, she stumbled for the toilet, and unleashed a sudden barrage of tea and toast from earlier that morning. Sirius was at her side a moment later with a towel, and a flannel to wipe her face.

“Second morning,” Sirius said.

She swiped her face with the flannel, grimacing at all the water now on the floor. “And last night as well. And yesterday afternoon. Fuck, I bet I caught something from the hospital last week. That job interview.”

Sirius lifted a brow, grabbing a towel to wrap round his waist. “I bet you caught something, but I doubt it was from an hospital.”

Rising to her feet, she turned to him. “What, exactly, are you implying?”

“Dunno,” Sirius said, leaning back against the wall as he reached behind him to flick off the water. “It was what, two months ago? You and James fucking on the kitchen table. Bit wine-pissed and no condoms.”

Lily stared. “I…but. No. Sirius, no. I mean it was one time and we had so much wine.”

“Yes, because that never, ever leads to babies.”

She paled a bit, her freckles standing out even more, and she felt a cold wash of panic hit her. Before she could give in, Sirius stepped up and grabbed her by the cheeks. “Breathe, my darling,” he instructed. She followed his breath, slowly in and out. “There you go. Remember, you have choices. You’re alright if you are, and you’re alright if you aren’t.”

“But I…”

The word baby wasn’t spoken much around their house. It wasn’t something they were considering, it wasn’t something they had even thought about. And it was a touchy subject since the attack. Her hand flew to her abdomen and she swallowed thickly.

“Love, do you want to go lie down and not think about this for a while?”

She reached out for her dressing gown, and Sirius helped her into it. Once it was securely tied, and she put the towel round her dripping curls, she turned back to Sirius. “I…I think I want to go get one of those stick things you piss on, and know for sure. Because I think the not-knowing is going to be the worst.”

Sirius nodded. “Alright. Let’s go do that. Only…we ought to get Jamie on the line for this.”

She paled. “Fuck. He’s going to…oh. Oh Sirius, what if he hates me? What if he…”

“Jamie,” Sirius said, interrupting her flow of words as he took her hand and pulled her out of the bathroom, “is going to be supportive of whatever you need. Whatever.”

She nodded, but didn’t feel much better as they went into her own bedroom. She flopped backward onto the bed, and let Sirius rummage through her clothes to find something. He chose her softest pair of leggings, and a t-shirt. Instead of handing them off, however, he put them to the side, and crawled between her legs. Pushing open her dressing gown, he trailed his lips down the dark, puckered scarring littering the side of her body.

Sirius did this a lot, and at first she didn’t know how to take it. Now she felt overwhelmed by the love these two had for her, and she let her hand wander into his wet locks. “What if I want to keep it?”

“Then we keep it,” Sirius murmured against the soft skin of her belly. He put his cheek there and breathed her in.

“And if I want to…you know.”

“Then we do that. And we spent a week pampering you and getting you hot pack for your cramps and fetching you whatever you need for your cravings.”

“You don’t…have an opinion either way?” she asked.

Sirius turned his head, his chin resting on her stomach. “I do. But my opinion doesn’t matter.”

After a beat, “It does, though. Might not change my mind—though I don’t even know what that is yet. But…it matters. You matter.”

Sirius blinked for a moment, then surged up to kiss her, soft and sweet and loving. “My sweet girl,” he whispered, nosing her cheek, “I can’t get enough of you.”

She laughed quietly and palmed his cheek. “Please tell me what you’d like.”

Sirius sighed, then shifted so they could cuddle, face-to-face. “In an ideal world, the baby was planned and carefully orchestrated. I’d want it to be genetically related to you and Jamie, because apart from Reggie and Andi, my family’s the worst and I’d be too afraid I’d pass something on. But you’d be happy to be pregnant, and we’d massage your feet and rub your back and go out for one AM cravings. And you’d be horrifically bitchy and hateful all the time and we’d love you anyway. Through the nausea and the getting up a million times to piss. And when the baby was born, we’d have huge rows over the name, and ultimately Jamie would win because well…he just does that. And the baby’s first language will be a mixture of Tamil and English, only I’d teach them all the swear words in Arabic—specifically for when Reg comes to visit. It would be the only child, probably, cos who wants to do this more than once, right?”

“Right,” Lily whispered.

“So they’d be terribly spoilt and the most loved child on the planet. I’d get to have a very cool name like…well dunno yet. The baby would probably choose. James would go by Appa because he’s a traditionalist fool who pretends to be super English but secretly rails against imperialism. And the baby would call you mummy just cos it’s so cute and who can resist hearing mummy in those tiny little voices. They’d grow up happy and probably have Jamie’s terrible hair, and love footie and flower crowns, and we’d buy way too many lush baby bubble bars they’d use even when they were older just cos it makes them think about being small and safe. And one day they’d go off to school and we’d be really sad. They’ll probably get loads of shit cos one of their parents changes gender three times a day, and they come from a polyamorous family, but they won’t care because they love us enough. And we’ll end up old, crotchety grandparents probably. Still in some stupid house on some stupid street with our walls covered in photos of our kid playing with Reg and Moony’s and…everyone would be happy.”

Lily breathed in and out for a long while. “Everything you didn’t get growing up.”

Sirius shrugged. “I have it all now, though. So if it’s not something you want…”

“It’s something I want,” she interrupted in a whisper. “I…it was so stupid but…but the night James and I first made love, I laid in bed awake for hours. I kept thinking, what if the baby had made it. Would I have been able to love it? Would you two have been able to? I don’t think I’ll ever know the answer to that but…I tried to envision a world where the baby’s biological parent didn’t matter and it was the three of us.”

“It wouldn’t have mattered,” Sirius replied, pressing the flat of his palm to her abdomen.

Lily closed her eyes. “It might have. Because he still exists and he might want…it might give him…” She cleared her throat. “I want no ties to him ever. Because he won’t be in there forever.”

“Well there aren’t any,” Sirius reminded her. “And the choice is still yours.”

“Let’s get dressed and go. I’d like to know properly.”

“Alright.” Sirius pushed off the bed, then gave her a hand up before wandering to his own room to change.

*** 

Labour was twenty-three hours long, and ended in a caesarean section after the baby was determined to be in foetal distress. Lily was terrified, and only James was allowed in the operating room, so Sirius was banished to wait, cuddled between Remus and Peter, as Regulus paced the room. Sirius’ brother had never done well with stress—neither of the Blacks did, really.

“It’s going to be fine,” Remus said.

“Yeah. And that’s your baby in there,” Peter said, taking Sirius’ hand, squeezing tightly. “Bloody fighter, you know.”

“Yeah.” Sirius breathed out, long and slow. “It’s just…I…it’s…”

Remus turned his head and kissed her on the temple. “We know. And it’s going to be fine.”

Sirius adjusted her skirt, something Lily had bought her made of the softest jersey which hung down to mid-calf. It smelt of Lily too, which calmed her. “It’s going to be fine,” she repeated.

“The moment she’s all sewn up, you’ll be allowed to go in and hold your baby.”

“My baby,” Sirius repeated, then felt the blood drain from her face. “Fuck. Oh fuck. My baby.”

“You’re gonna be a Pada.” Remus had been the one to come up with the name, a play on Padfoot which Sirius scoffed at, but the rest of the group had taken to calling her that, and it stuck. Now she trembled every time she heard it, mostly out of anxiousness to hear it from her child’s lips one day.

Sirius swallowed, then glanced up at the clock. “Surely it’s over by now. Surely it’s…”

The doctor appeared in the doorway, and Sirius felt her heart hammer against her ribs. She was on her feet, though hand still in Peter’s. “Well?”

The doctor stared around the room at the strange, rag-tag group of people. “Miss Evans and the baby are fine. It’s a boy. Both recovering well. The baby’s going to be taken to the nursery for observation, and assuming all is well, he’ll be able to room with the mother.”

“When can we see her?” Sirius demanded, deciding to take a moment before she processed the rest.

“She’ll be in her room in the next hour.”

With that, the doctor was gone, and it left all of them sitting in a tense silence until—what felt like an eternity later—James appeared. Sirius was instantly on her feet, flying into James’ arms. She was pushed against the wall and kissed soundly, James holding her face tightly.

“We’re parents. We’re parents, Padfoot.” James kissed her nose, then her cheeks, then her lips several times in quick succession. “He’s gorgeous and perfect and Lily did so well and it’s…fuck. Fuck. We’re parents.”

Sirius laughed, and pushed her face into James’ neck, holding on so tight. “I need to see her. And the baby. Please.”

“Baby first,” James said, then turned to the others. “Oy, you lot. Go home now.”

Remus spluttered, and Peter’s eyes went wide, and Regulus crossed his arms and said, “You’re fucking mad!”

“They’re not letting anyone else see either of them until tomorrow,” James said, only sounding a little apologetic as they’d all been up nearly a full day. “Just go sleep and I swear you’ll get all the cuddles and whatever you like tomorrow.”

Remus was the pragmatic one, easing everyone out of the room, and paused to give both Sirius and James a swift kiss before promising he was fine to drive. The moment they were alone, James took Sirius by the face and kissed her again.

“Is he really perfect?”

“Come see for yourself.” He pushed their fingers together, then drew Sirius to the lifts. They headed up and then their visitor badges allowed them into the corridor where the nursery was. There was a small window off to the side, with a small row of clear, plastic cots. Most of them were empty, but there were a few babies, and there was absolutely no mistaking which one was Hari James Potter.

He looked just like James did, a thick head of black hair, dark skin, face scrunched up like he was furious at the world. Sirius pressed her face to the glass, her hands splayed out, and she felt the desire to go in and touch her child like a physical ache.

“Can we…?”

“Yeah.” James went to the little door and pushed the button. The pair were given the okay to step in, and they quickly washed up at the little sink, then the nurse came in and pulled the baby out of the cot. She turned toward James, but James stepped back, and let Sirius hold out her arms.

The nurse quickly laid the baby into the crook of Sirius’ elbow, then backed up. Sirius looked down at the tiny face, at the weight which was so light, yet so heavy and solid, and she felt her throat go tight. “Oh. Oh.”

James came up behind her, wrapping his arms round her waist, his chin resting on her shoulder as he looked down into the face of their child. “I know, Pads. I said the same thing.”

“This. This is ours. We get to keep him.”

James chuckled in her ear and he nodded. “Yes. Yes, my love, we absolutely do.”

*** 

Sirius walked through the door, aching from the long flight. It wasn’t often work called him across the bloody pond, but when it did, it felt like months instead of weeks. The first sound he heard was the slapping of pyjama’d feet on the hard floors, and then his legs were engulfed by chubby toddler arms. 

The round, grinning face looked up at him, tiny teeth inside a wide smile. “Pada!”

“Hallo my darling.” Sirius swung Harry up in a small circle before tucking him into his side, and pressing so many kisses against Harry’s round cheeks, the small boy giggled and kicked his feet. “Were you very good for mummy and Appa?”

“Yeah, I think,” Harry said.

“You think, huh?”

“I don’t…I don’t think,” Harry clarified.

Sirius snorted, then wandered into the kitchen where Lily was chopping up some grapes into halves for Harry’s lunch. The boy went a few times a week to a pre-school now that he was three, though Sirius was considering letting him stay home the next day to catch up on the time he missed with his family.

“Hello, love,” Lily said, turning her face to kiss him on the corner of his mouth. “How was the flight?”

“The worst,” Sirius groaned, kissing Harry once more, then letting him down as he started to squirm. When the boy rushed out, Sirius put his arms round Lily’s waist and gave her several kisses along her neck.

“Miss me?” she asked.

“Achingly. Every second of every day.”

Lily smiled and shoved the grapes into a plastic container. “I missed you as well. And you know Jamie. Pining away, nearly inconsolable. He and Harry had to have nightly chocolate ice cream fests as they waited for you to skype them.”

“I knew it. He told me they were being healthy. What a filthy liar,” Sirius said, and kissed her once more before drawing away. “Are you off to work tonight?”

Lily groaned. “Fraid so. Six night shifts, then we rotate again, but I’ll have three days off so we can spend them together.”

“Good,” Sirius said. “I think I’m going upstairs to kiss Jamie and then pass out. Unless you need me.”

“No,” she said, and gave his cheek a fond pat. “Go on and get some rest. You’ll be un-jet-lagged by the time I’ve days off, so no worries.”

He gave her a grateful smile, then wandered into the lounge where Harry was curled up in front of the telly watching the Emperor’s New Groove for the millionth time. He knelt down and kissed him. “Pada had a long flight so I’m going to bed. But I’ll pick you up from school tomorrow.”

“Okay,” Harry said. “I love you.”

“Love you most,” Sirius said, then headed for the stairs. He pushed into the bedroom, smiling at the sight of James on the bed, a book propped up on one knee. He dropped it the moment he spotted Sirius, and instantly scrabbled to draw Sirius down to the pillows. 

Sirius was immediately covered in kisses, James practically lying on his front, murmuring between each one, “Fuck, missed you, so much, god, never go again, can’t live without you.”

Sirius chuckled, palming James’ cheek once the raining kisses had stopped. “I’m shattered. Dress me?”

James, who liked to make a production of caring for Sirius after long trips, carefully stripped him down, then eased him into his softest, silkiest pyjamas. He was then tucked under the duvet, and carefully pulled against James, back to front.

“Was the flight okay?”

“No worse than usual,” Sirius said with a sleepy yawn.

James reached behind him to flick off the light, then dipped low to press soft kisses to the back of Sirius’ neck. “Missed you so much.”

“I missed you too.” And Lils and Harry hung in the air unspoken, but obvious. Sirius put his hand over James’, and his eyes started to close. “Ever think about how lucky we are?”

James laughed. “Only all the time.”

“I mean, it was good, with just us. But now…”

“I know,” James breathed quietly. “Didn’t think I could feel more complete.”

“Neither did I.” Sirius hesitated, then turned in James’ arms and kissed him. “Things are pretty perfect though, aren’t they?”

Just then they heard a loud crash, and Lily cry out, and Harry run through the house, giggling like mad. James snorted and pressed his head against Sirius’. “Our version of perfect. Absolutely.”


End file.
